Cheffy!

Good news!! General Ginsu Knives just wrote saying that I'll be starting on a new mission! I'm going to find the Carroccoli creature and end the threat to the Butter! As the Butter might have crucial information on the whereabouts of the Dinner Guest, I can cut two beets with one chop.

I will keep you updated on the situation,

Gussy (BFF)

Gussy m'boy!

How are things in the field? The most recent reports put us at an impass with the Cooked Carrot Consortium. Your efforts to gather intel and photosynthesis proof of their misdoings has never been more important. To that end, I am reassigning you to find the Carroccoli creature, and destroy it. This is your number one priority, nothing else matters.

May Starch be with you,

General Ginsu Knives

Inter-Table Message System

Record # 09f884j775i8fm8

Participants: Mail Interceptors Princess and Everlight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Princess: U thr?

Everlight: Watup?

Princess: Did u hear rumour? Cheffy found w Whisk and cheese cloth cuffs in locker!!!!!!

Everlight: 4 real?!?

Princess: Heard it from the security Knives themselves. They confiscated it all. Said inappropriate "activities" were happening in office!!!

Everlight: Crzy! I heard someone saw pic of Spinach in his locker! U think maybe... Eeeww!

Princess: ... no way! I don't think so... maybe?

Everlight: Well, she DOES look like she enjoys being in charge...

Princess: But he stuck her with Carroccoli head, would u do THAT to someone you like?

Everlight: Maybe they had a tiff??

Princess: Must have been a nasty one... NO ONE deserves THAT!

Everlight: G2g, Cheffy alert!!


** Everlight has disconnected **

Pseudo-Commander in Chef,

This situation with the Carroccoli creature is out of control. It is imperative that we concentrate our efforts on capturing and destroying this creature! I want our top agent on this! To that end, I am reassigning C.O. Asparagus to this case. I have full confidence that if anyone can get the job done, it will be him!

Also, you are to invite his mother for a visit to your office. She is concerned about her son, and needs some reassurance from his immediate commander. Such a delightful woman!

General Ginsu Knives

Commander in Chef,

Carroccoli is under control. I apologize for any undue strain he may have caused. Please be assured that your trust has not been misplaced. I will not let you down, Sir. I am on my way to join him now, to keep a more vigilant eye on his actions. Despite the urgency of the current mission, I now realize that he must not, under any circumstances, be left to his own devices.

Forgive me. I will make it up to you.

Special Agent Spinach

Asparagus,

TALK TO THE BUTTER AND I'LL HAVE YOU STEAMED.

S.A. Spinach

Gussy,

I'm so glad to hear that you're getting along well with your commander, sweetie! Your spy kit sounds pretty fancy... Isn't it complicated to use sometimes? The family misses you, and they send their love. We're all so proud of our little Gussy!

Make sure you're eating enough, and that you're taking care of yourself. To make sure that you have everything you need, I'm sending you a care package with all your favourite grooming products, snacks, and some new socks... You can never have too many socks.

We've been reading the newspaper, looking for news about the war. We were so proud when we saw your picture on the front page! I'm making a scrapbook with the news articles for you for when you come home.

Have you met any nice young ladies? Maybe one of those pretty dancers from the newspaper?

Hoping you come home soon!

Mama

PS: Have you heard about the Carroccoli creature that was sighted? The news has the whole neighbourhood on high alert...

To: Pseudo Commander in Chef

From: Mail Rerouter Princess

RE: COUNTER ORDER FROM HIGHER UP.

Unfortunately, Sir, we have received a direct order from General Ginsu Knives to forward ALL correspondence from, about and to C.O. Asparagus to you.

In keeping with these orders, here is a letter from his... Mama... for your perusal and approval before we forward it to C.O. Asparagus.

P.S We would like to thank you for the change in job title. We shall continue using it in future.

Sincerely,

Mail Interceptor Princess

S.A. Spinach,

GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR SIDE DISH. HE IS OFF IN ENEMY TERRITORY SEEKING OUT THE BUTTER.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THIS WOULD BE A MAJOR POLITICAL, MILITARY AND INTER-TABLE EMBARRASSMENT.

STOP HIM.

Pseudo Commander in Chef

To: Internal-Mail rerouters Princess and Everlight

From: Pseudo Commander in Chef

RE: STOP FORWARDING THE CARROCCOLI HEAD'S MAIL TO ME.

Ladies,

Your job title is hereby changed from mail rerouters to mail interceptors. I do not wish, under any circumstances, to receive correspondence from C.O. Asparagus. In future, all mail should be rerouted to S.A. Spinach, who is now responsible for his overseeing.

You may consider this a Direct Command. In fact you SHOULD consider this a direct command.

Pseudo Commander in Chef

S.A. Spinach,

I'm still looking for the Dinner Guest. Have you had any luck? I got to the Buffet Table, but he was already gone by the time I got there. One of the Desert Saucers told me that he's gone into hiding, and that the Butter might know where he is, so I'm going to try to cross enemy lines to speak to him.

I also wanted to thank you for the green leaf-lettuce jacket you had made for me, it's great camouflage among the Spring Greens on the edge of the Buffet Table. I was wondering... is there a way for me to get another copy of that map you gave me? I... misplaced it.

I'll send you an update if I find anything else,

Asparagus

Cheffy,

I'm still making my way through the wilds on the outskirts of the Dinner Roll territory. The Dinner Guest is hard to find... I've been to his last known location, near the Buffet Table, but he'd already moved on by the time I got there. I spoke to a source among the Desert Saucers, and she informed me that the Dinner Guest has gone into hiding. She told me that the Butter might know where he is now.

I'm heading towards his dish, to see if there's a way for me to penetrate the siege being held by the Mashed Potatoes so that I can talk to him.

I'll let you know what happens with that.

Gussy

Pseudo-Commander in Chef,

C.O. Asparagus and I are still attempting to locate the Dinner Guest. Unfortunately, because of the large area to be covered, it was required for us to go our separate ways. He has been equipped with a very, very detailed map, all dangerous areas being clearly indicated. Even he should be able to avoid them if he follows the map.

Asparagus has also been re-briefed as to his orders in the case of his being captured. The new Microwave implant has been installed. By the time you receive this message, the self-destruct confirmation device should be in your possession. If ever Asparagus enables the self-destruct sequence, a signal shall be sent to your device, asking for confirmation. He keeps picking at his florette, so it is very possible that he could set if off by accident.

I will update you as more information becomes available.

Secret Agent Spinach

Asparagus sits on a bench, draped in his new green leaf-lettuce jacket, hunched over his newspaper. His dark glasses slide down his long face as he lowers the paper to look over it, conspicuously shifting his eyes to all sides. He has tried to cover his new florette with a matching green fedora, but it can't nearly cover its bulk. He glances at his watch. "Nearly 0900 hours... She should be here soon..." he mumbles to himself.

Spinach approaches the rendez-vous spot, wondering how she will know which of the many vegetables at the SaladBowl is C.O. Asparagus. As she rounds the corner of the napkin holder, seeing the hunched shape surrounded by many empty tables - despite it being the breakfast rush - she rolls her eyes and sighs exasperatedly. "Not another one of those..."

Spinach strides up to Asparagus, towering over his seated shape. "What are you DOING?!?" she hisses. "What part of 'be invisible' didn't you understand?!?" Asparagus looks at her, thoroughly confused. "I tried to hide all my defining features!" he replies innocently. She extends her hand toward him. "Give them to me!"

After Asparagus hands over his fedora and sunglasses, Spinach sits across the table from him. The vegetables crowded around the edges of the SaladBowl are now less hesitant to approach the strange Broccoli-headed Asparagus.

"Now then. As I have previously mentioned, our new assignment is to locate the Dinner Guest. Unfortunately, we have to split up for this search, [Scritch...Scratch...Scritch...] as there is much ground to cover. You are to head towards the Buffet[Scritch...Scratch...Scritch...]Table, but you are to avoid the Dinner Roll territory at ALL COSTS. [Scritch...Scratch...Scritch...] It is well known that they have made use of hidden Exploding Ketchup Packets™..."

"Scritch...Scratch...Scritch..."

"WOULD YOU STOP SCRATCHING YOUR FLORETTE?!?" she shrieks. Spinach takes a deep, steadying breath. "If you keep scratching at your procedure scar, you'll rip the cheese cloth right off. If you leave it alone, it should be healed by tomorrow."

Asparagus smiles sheepishly at the other agent and shrugs. "Sorry, it's itchy."

Rolling her eyes, Special Agent Spinach hands over a package containing special navigation tools, a detailed map of the area Asparagus is to search, and a disposable communication device, in case of emergency. "Whatever you do, just don't get lost..." Just as she is about to leave, Spinach turns to Asparagus again, adding, "And don't forget about the Exploding Ketchup Packets™. I had them marked on your map, but I feel the need to remind you anyways..."

With that parting remark, Spinach turns on her heel and leaves in a huff of military efficiency.

Asparagus looks at the wrapped package, then gently puts it aside as the Waiter brings him his breakfast order of MiraculousGrow™.

C.O. Asparagus,

I have been briefed by the Pseudo Commander in Chef on the details of our mission, and have been charged with providing you the details.

First, we must locate the Dinner Guest. In his possession is a package that we must retrieve at all costs. This is a mission in which stealth is of utmost importance. I have had a special green-leaf lettuce jacket made for you, in order to conceal the offensively bright orange tint of your spear. As per usual, if you are intercepted by the enemy, you are ordered to make use of your Microwave tool. It has now been further simplified for your specific use. You are to report to the Discretion Bureau to have the Microwave apparatus implanted into your body at 0600 hours. It will now consist of a single deploy button which will be concealed in your new Broccoli florette. If you have any questions about the procedure, feel free to ask Someone Who Cares.

Once the package is in our possession, we are to immediately assure its delivery to the UN. In case you are unaware, the UN is the United Nutritionists, a very important agency in this time of political unrest.

If at any time you are faced with a decision, do not even think about thinking about it. All decisions that need to be made are to be brought to my attention, regardless of how insignificant they may seem. EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DECISION.

We will meet at 0900 hours, once you have recovered from your implant procedure.

I will find you,

Special Agent Spinach

Special Agent Spinach,

As you have requested, we have simplified the Microwave tool from the ultra-secret-compact-discreet-dishwasher safe-uber-useful spy kit™.

We have managed to create an apparatus that, once implanted into the agents body, can be deployed with a single push of a button.

In considering the particular agent this is intended for, we have also included a fail-safe mechanism, whereby a second party must confirm the self-destruction before it is initiated. This second device has been delivered to the Pseudo Commander in Chef.

The surgeons are standing by ready to implant the device.

Also, the green leaf-lettuce jacket you requested is complete. Field testing has not been possible due to lack of time, and therefore I am unable to attest to it's ability to withstand the rigours of life as a Table Operative.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Cares
Researcher and Developer Extraordinaire
Discretion Bureau

C.O. ASPARAGUS,

I am assigning you a liaison. Her name is Special Agent Spinach. Please attempt to keep a SHRED of professionalism in ALL your future correspondence. I will be maintaining contact with Special Agent Spinach.

Should any situation arise where immediate action is required, you are to defer ANY and ALL decisions - REGARDLESS OF ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - to Special Agent Spinach.

SHE IS THE BOSS. YOU ARE TO OBEY HER AT ALL TIMES. No ands, ifs, or buts.

PSEUDO COMMANDER IN CHEF

Special Agent Spinach,

Unfortunately, I must assign you to liaise with an operative. This operative was specially chosen by General Ginsu Knives, after the embarrassing media coverage of his "discovery" of the Sprout-Kabob plot.

As you are familiar with political appointments, I will not go into detail about the "shortcomings" of this agent, nicknamed Carroccoli.

All I will say is that he has proven, time and again, to be a complete and total waste of vegetable matter and not worth the carbon dioxide that he recycles.

Your assignment is to locate the Dinner Guest. He as a super-secret-independent-party who has been conducting super-secret-independent-research for us. He has a package that must be delivered to our representative at the UN.

I wish you luck in finding the Dinner Guest, as his current whereabouts are unknown.

Sincerely,

Pseudo Commander in Chef

C.O. Asparagus;

Be cautious when using the new Stem-Tinting-Food-Colouring. Further testing revealed that when it comes into contact with certain Milk Products, the tint becomes orange. I would hate for that to happen in the middle of... whatever it is that you are undertaking.

As I explained to you in my office, this is a highly experimental technology, and it has not yet been perfected. Please be cautious.

Also, I am uncertain if the surgeons warned you, but your Spear modification surgery is irreversible. You may wish to consider a less permanent option.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact my office.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Cares
Researcher and Developer Extraordinaire
Discretion Bureau

Cheffy,

I'm sure you have heard of this by now, but there was a very slight mishap during my infiltration mission. The particular group of Broccoli that I was infiltrating was holding a spray-cheese party, which allowed me to be inconspicuous and anonymous, as attendance reached record-breaking numbers. Unfortunately, as soon as the aerosol concoction made contact with my skin, I started to turn the same colour as the processed condiment. Next thing I knew, I was standing there in the middle of a crowd of greenery, looking like a Carrot wearing a Broccoli hat. I proceeded to evacuate the premises as quickly as possible, but cannot be sure that I remained unseen. If need be, I can contact the media to smooth over the situation. I have a friend at the SugarBowl who would surely be willing to help.

Gussy

Asparagus,

WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT CLEAR ON MY INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE TO DO IF YOU WERE CAUGHT BY THE ENEMY?

You should be buried six inches deep in a compost heap right now! I should be writing home to your mother right now, telling her how you died valiantly in the service of your Table. Is that what is happening? NO! ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF FOLLOWING THE MOST BASIC OF INSTRUCTIONS? CAPTURE = DEATH!

As I am forced to endure your prolonged presence, I do not need a step by step detailed account of your mission plan. Should the correspondence be intercepted and you be captured - YET AGAIN - it has become apparent that you are incapable of executing the Microwave protocol.

Not only are you a source of potential embarrassment, but you are also a potential opening for the enemy to access vital and sensitive documents.

For the love of Starch, try to be as small of a liability as possible!

Pseudo Commander in Chef

Commander,

The Milk-traitors are not nearly as intelligent as they believe, and indeed, their new information retrieval techniques are even easier to evade than the old ones. I personally escaped their attempt to cooerce me into revealing classified information by using the Bendy-Straw tool from my ultra-secret-compact-discreet-dishwasher safe-uber-useful spy kit™. They caught me on their border when I was on my way to speak to the Butter. Luckily, when it comes to security, the Milk-traitors are their own worst enemy.

If I am out of contact for a short period of time, it is because I am attempting to infiltrate the Mashed Potatoes through the Broccoli (better camouflage, you understand...). The Discretion Bureau has outfitted me with the most advanced camouflage gear, which includes a new technology allowing me to change the tint of my stem. I also underwent a surgical procedure to enlarge my spear, making it more florette-like in appearance.

I have received news that a few of the Sweet Potatoes have been convinced to join ranks with the Mashed Potatoes. It appears that their methods of conviction are improving. They are proving to be more bothersome than expected.

Asparagus

Asparagus,

Forget the Gravy.

We are aware of their secret meetings with the Mashed Potatoes. We are currently putting a Guest List in order to remind them of where their loyalties should lie.

We have received intelligence from another operative that some Milk Products have turned traitor. You are to determine if the new Information Retrieval Techniques that they have been working on for us has fallen into the hands of our arch nemisis: the Mashed Potatoes.

Once again, DO NOT TALK TO THE BUTTER! (We have become aware that he melts under pressure, and that is a mess we just do not want to have to deal with...)

Try not to curdle our already sour relations with the Milk,

Pseudo Commander in Chef

Commander,

I was relieved to receive news of the Turnips' demise.

I have learned that, unfortunately, the Mashed Potatoes are attempting to create a coalition with the Gravy in order to increase their numbers sufficiently to completely surround the Butter.

The Cooked Carrots have been M.I.A. on the Saucer-Front for a while. We suspect fowl play as the eggs have been working on their scramble maneuvers. We may require additional forces as we continue to investigate this matter.

C.O. Asparagus

Asparagus,

As per instructions by General Ginsu Knives, I am now responsible for your assignments. I will not tolerate the kamikaze stunts you have pulled with your previous handlers. Also, I will most certainly NOT tolerate your picture on the front of the the Sugarbowl Times in the midst of the SweetPea Dancers! It is intolerable!

Is this clear?

Your new assignment is to determine who is now allying with the Mashed Potatoes. If you are caught, you are ordered to immediately self destruct, by using the Microwave tool included in your new ultra-secret-compact-discreet-dishwasher safe-uber-useful spy kit™. It is the upgraded Dummy-proof Version 4.7, so even you should have no problem using it.

Should you have any questions... ask Someone Who Cares.


Pseudo Commander in Chef